A Moment of Reflection

 

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waves of words bubble through me yet i can’t totally catch the letters to write them down.

it’s the afternoon on a Saturday, and i’m sat in a cafĂ© crowded with sound and motion.

table for one; just for me, my book and my coffee.

the world inside me feels like a sheer white curtain flowing with the wind. innocence, love, compassion. joy, joy, joy. and a most delicious peacefulness.

i choose not to voice my thoughts, so i write them down.

i bow my head to my book and underline sentences that feel like pure blows of oxygen to my lungs. sentences that the excited child in me urges to share with the next person and dive into discussing them.

i take a look at myself and my life and i see a succession of blessings, meaningful interactions, genuine connections, travel and exploration, pure love and outrageously overwhelming gratitude.

and it dawns on me that i truly am, in this moment, the sum of all the experiences i’ve been through and all the books i’ve read.

To Miss a Friend

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in my list of things to do before i travel is to see two of my friends so that my heart isn’t choked up with missing them when i leave town.

but you know what the irony is?

my heart is already ridden with longing for my dearest friend studying abroad. i’ve last seen her when she came to town unexpectedly (which was the most pleasant of all surprises), but it only made me realize how terribly i was missing her and how much more intensely i would be missing her now that i’ve seen her for a most wonderful but short while.

writing my two friends’ names on my list clenched my frail heart in wishing that i could write her name too. that i could see her so that i don’t miss her too much for the next two months. it’s true i wish she was here, that i so terribly miss feeling the connection and chemistry when we talk, but i also feel grateful for this time in our lives. i’m grateful that she’s expanding with experience and knowledge. that she’s working hard at taking herself closer to the person she aspires to be. i’m grateful for her friendship because it has showed me how deeply my heart could love. how faithfully it could miss. how it could surrender to these feelings rather than suppress them or associate them with pain. because missing someone is nowhere near pain to me. for pain cannot exist when love does. this missing makes me feel how much i love her, not how much i’m hurting over this impermanent separation. this missing for her is bittersweet because i’m happy she’s thriving and i’m sad i can’t physically witness her doing it.

Travel

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this pulsing desire to travel and be someplace else is not a pursuit of happiness nor is it motivated by an underlying urge for escapism, for i am already happy and my life is already a delight from which i do not desire to run away. for me, traveling is the thing that most triggers growth and self-discovery. if i were to pack myself in a suitcase and leave this room shielded by comfort and safety and dependence on my family, it wouldn’t be an attempt to find myself or find my comfort and contentment. it wouldn’t even be to live one of my dreams, for i know that a manifested dream is no longer a dream, but a fleeting reality. it would be simply and solely for the experience, for the newness, and for frighting yet delicious unfamiliarity.

Moments I Wished Lasted Forever

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in the car, my sister’s driving, i’m in the back seat, windows all black and dotted with white and orange street lights. a beautiful manifestation has already taken place just minutes ago. then i received the most heartwarming messages from two of the greatest people i know and whom i’m grateful to have as my friends. my heart wells with gratitude and love for them. i close my eyes as the car moves and the stereo sings. my sisters by my side, i have the greatest friends ever, and my connection to my Creator has never felt this vivaciously alive. i’m in utter, ineffable peace. i keep my eyes closed. i’m flying.

To Be Human

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are my words worthless?
are my writings meaningless?
is my voice insignificant?
do my actions have any value, any real effect?

what am i doing here
and why am i doing it?

it’s not about God’s answers anymore.
it’s about me making peace
with this moment,
with this not knowing,
with all this repetition day in and day out;
all this discord and misunderstanding,
all this attachment and fear and
strikingly vulnerable loneliness
of my humanness.

Reticence

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i have learned to keep myself to myself. keep my progress to myself. my wellbeing and my melancholy. for i have found that speaking of my internal state stripes my contentment off me i feel empty, or adheres my sadness to me so badly i suffocate.

i keep it all in. not bottle or suppress it, no. i just live it silently. i go with the waves, pass through the storm, glide through the clouds. i keep my distance if i need to, i lower my voice if i had to use it, and i walk with my eyes to the floor to keep my mind as empty of judgment as it could be.

this has become part of me; accepting and keeping silent, watching empires crash and miracles manifest, with no comment nor effort to change, control, or affect. just a witness, just a breath.

To Let Go and Let God

i have no plan
just a vision

no idea how i’ll get there
just a deep knowing that i will

for i’m entangled to that future
and i trust that God
and everything in His universe
are leading me to it
every second of every day