Midnight Confessions

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by Andrei Lazarev

i admit i am obsessively preoccupied with worldly things that don’t matter to my true Self at all. things that my soul would be happy and free with or without. things that are only a barrier to my peace because my mind chooses to make them so. i admit that i prefer seeing myself in a place different to the one i’m currently in. i distract myself from my distressing emotions by watching or reading fictional people’s lives. i take from myself more than i give her. i punish her more than i nourish her. i tire her more than i let her rest. and i’m guilty. i’m guilty of not only doing those destructive things, but also for not saving myself in that first moment i realized i was going down an unhealthy path.

it’s unfair to point out my mind’s problems without also addressing my soul’s peace. i am both in stress and at peace. sometimes the peace outgrows the stress, and sometimes i’m plagued by the opposite. this is to say that i am not solely identified with my mind or my soul, but with both of them intricately. i am both a hurricane and a blow of wind, a tsunami and a harmonious wave, a thunderstorm and a drop of rain.

this is very vague and ambiguous. maybe one day when i’m healed from this turmoil i’ll be able to address what would be then my past issues with more clarity and objectivity..

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