why is it that
we always have
so much
or nothing at all

from so much pain
to suffocating numbness

from so much love
to burning rage

from so much forgiveness
to a whirring head of ugliness

from a pleasant peacefulness
to distressing discord

from so much to give
to nothing to lose

i do not know
what is going on
inside myself

i cannot ever
expect what
might come
to me
nor even
out of me

and i’ve given up
trying to figure that out

because it is one of the most fruitless endeavors
i’ve ever come across in my life