Voices

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i remember
complaining to my mother
about the incessant chatter
i heard in my head as a child

i would try to mimic
their voices to her—
there were quite a few
different people
in my head

all saying the same nonsensical thing
but with different voices
sometimes really funny ones

i would sit in the car
from Dubai to Ajman
a fifty minute ride
just trying to make sense
of the cacophony inside my head

i would press my palms
to my ears in an attempt
to mute the sounds away

but they never really faded
not one bit

because they were in me
they were me

they hadn’t belonged to me
i knew that for sure
but they repeated
the things i was saying
to myself

they were mirrors of me
showing me who i was
inside my own subconscious

not until i grew older
did they merge to one strong voice
a loud voice of a demon
that had the same exact voice as me
telling me to do things to myself
that i thought were brought by me
that i thought i was the one
commanding myself to do

now it’s almost a year
since i’ve heard that monster
whispering and screaming
in my head

but i cannot deny
there are some days
when trails of those creatures
stealthily come out and whisper
to me of the horrendous thing (they think) i am
and the horrid things i should do to myself

to end the story of these voices
and mysterious creatures
there also exists the voice of
my intuition, my conscience, my soul
whose whispers are clearer and nicer
and even soothing
and laced with a kind of love
i cannot hold myself back
from feeling, embodying, and trusting

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