i still dream of you

always trying to talk to you
tell you how sorry i am
how different i am now
how immature i was then

you never listen
always in a hurry
a blur
not real enough

you visit me in my sleep
in the form of guilt

i wake up with burning lungs
and a mouth gasping for air
i wake up with a brutal stomachache
and a sore throat from all the screaming
i wake up with tears streaming down my cheeks
and sweat forming a tight rope around my neck

just listen to me once
smile and tell me i’m forgiven

i haven’t slept in a while
my body is possessed by this guilt
of having done you wrong

and even though i only see you in nightmares
i never once was thankful to wake up when i did
because i always felt like
i still hadn’t had enough of you
no matter how torturous it was
how mean and neglectful you were