The Girl I Used To Be

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by Tomasz Mrozkiewicz

sometimes i feel like i wanna get back
to being in school
being that girl that i used to be
immersed in my own world
always hiding
only talking when i feel like it

‘where were you?’
nowhere
i smile
and carry on
‘you’ve been absent
for so long,
is everything okay?’
yes, perfectly fine
‘how can you stay home all day?
what exactly do you do —
don’t you ever get bored?’
i read
‘seriously? is that all you do?’
yeah, i finish books
‘so you’re absent to read?’
yeah i stay in bed
and read all day

‘wow!’
i laugh

one of them gets her palm burned
i tell her come here
i’ll do something
don’t freak out

i do something my mom taught me
and i put my hands over her palm
a few minutes pass
the stinging alleviates
i smile and disappear

i remember feeling good
as i was walking away
i did something new today
i gave someone something today

i was mysterious
genius
interesting
i was secretive
but i had a beautiful smile
and a contagious laugh

i just didn’t know it
i didn’t feel it
all i felt was
lost and insecure
all i wanted was
to be invisible

so i did everything i could
to be out of sight
but as sweet as that felt
it was my first sip of loneliness

an incompleteness that
lingered over me
for months and months
until i confused it
with me just being me

i took that loneliness
and made it a part of myself

it was way more bearable
than being with people
anyway

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