My Painkiller (I Killed It)

via Pinterest

I haven’t felt you in
Six days
And it feels like
Too long and too far ago
Since my heart’s felt
Safe, secure, alive.

I miss the relief of
Your pain,
I miss the sight and smell
Of your red,
I miss the numbness
You engulf me with.

You are the definition
Of my life.
You the the core and fuel
To my personality.
You are the only
Salvation I have.
You are my ability
To feel something
When I am helplessly,
Desperately, painfully
Numb, numb, numb.

i wrote this when i was in the depth of my depression and addiction to self-destruction. reading it now — 7 months later — when i’m healed and genuinely in joy, i realize how deeply messed up i was.. i based my whole existence on a crippling addiction, that i lost all sense and couldn’t go a night without giving in to the urges of this addiction.

with all my heart i am so deeply grateful for the changes that occurred in my life. i’m really thankful for that perpetually painful time i lived through, because it gave me the perspective of the person in the midst of the suffocating cage of depression, and an understanding of the storming emotions of that non-stop thought cycle that a lost, addicted, deeply unhappy person lives in every single second of their existence. i now know that change and genuine, natural happiness is possible to attain and maintain no matter how bad a life situation may have been or perhaps still is.

after years of losing hope on happiness and thinking that “happiness is a choice; a mindset” was complete cheesy bullshit, i now KNOW that it is the absolute truth. when we want happiness and when we want it NOW, unconditionally and independently of our body, our environment and time, we get it; we attract it by Law. and eventually it becomes second nature to us; happiness surrounds us regardless of our situations.

being in a state of happiness is feeling utter joy, safety and lightness—kind of weightlessness—that engulfs your whole being in the most beautiful and liberating way a being can be engulfed.

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