They say you are supposed
To be the happiest
Befriend your mother and
Continue building that bond
Start figuring yourself out
Grow your personality
And learn valuable lessons
Yet the reality does not seem
To affirm those assumptions
For my teenage years were the
Most unglamorous, unhappy,
Unstable years of my life.
Felt like it took my identity away
Instead of creating it.
Every lesson felt like another
Slap on the face.
I still have no idea who I am,
It’s like I have multiple personalities
At different times of day and night.
My relationship with my mother
Is built on trying to act upon expectations
And hiding behind lies all for the name
Of precious love; my mother—
my Amazing Mother—does not no me
I have not given her the chance to;
A voice tells me I’m not allowed to.
I have no idea how happiness feels
And I’ve completely given up on it
To the point where I have stopped
Believing in the existence of such thing.
And the most painful truth of all:
Your teenage years are going to be
Filled with fear, anxiety, trauma,
And nostalgia even though you
May have not even reached the
Halfway point of your life.
Everyday you are someone else,
Everyday you look different,
Everyday you experience strange—
Sometimes scary — new emotions.
Most of the time, it feels like
There are things in your head
Controlling you, your actions and
What you say.
It feels as though there are creatures
Inside of you demanding you to do
Things you never even thought of.
Dangerous, harmful, horrid things.
And the worst thing you could do
At that moment is give in and oblige
To those voices.
But you do.
You always do..