Thinking of you is so unbearably painful
I spent months with my eyes
Wide open through the night
So terrified of living the nightmares in my sleep
While fearing the flashbacks attacking me
Any minute in the dark..
I could never sleep
Lie in bed with a book in hand,
Distracting myself from the paranoia
Crippling under my skin;
From the memories playing in my head over
And over again like a broken record
Making me feel like it’s all happening
Right in front of me right now

I cried, I punched and broke
Waiting for the sun to rise
When all I could see out the window
At six in the morning was white;
White, white, white, asphyxiating white

All my eyes saw was that white
But it was nothing like bright light
It was so dark, I felt claustrophobic
I started suffocating for my life
The air wouldn’t enter my lungs

So I grabbed a pen
And I wrote about that white
Looking at the colorless vacuous sky
While I dreadfully drove to school
Smiling at every face I passed by
With one hand in my pocket
Clutching my secret relief..