i’ll never be a normal human being if i keep on urging for self destruction. and i don’t see myself ever stopping. living a life without my true self, my safety, my relief, my secret.. it feels impossible.
4 months later
i have never been happier in my whole life. i have never been this content with who i am. everything has changed. yes, i did fear it at first, but i’m fearlessly embracing it now. for without this shift, i wouldn’t have at all reached this realm of truth, self-contentment, self-satisfaction, self-respect and self-love.
so to everyone that’s stuck in the circle of pain; in the hole of darkness and misery; in the desperation for death and endedness, i understand you. i truly know how it feels to just want it all to end right here and now. i know how it is to be attached to pain and destruction while silently blaming it on being adhered to you and following you everywhere you go. but.. i have tasted the opposite side and i can’t stop craving it. i have tasted joy and happiness and i can’t stop wanting and craving to feel that way every single second my heart beats and lungs expand with air.
you may wonder how that happened. how could a person that has been in the core of pain and misread experience the truth and delightful essence of happiness so easily and suddenly.
here’s my answer: there is not one sentence that could simplify how i’ve come out the other side. i cannot explain to you what clicked in my head, for it wasn’t just a click at all. it was a slow and gradual process of understanding; it was a tiny thought at a time; a little question every day. in an effort to distract my instinctive, constant begging for my end, i started wondering why and how and what was causing me to feel that way — BE that way. i kept on wondering and pondering and mulling over those questions as my pain turned itself into inspiration for the poems and epiphanies that filled the creases of my mind.
and with time, i found myself attracting little sessions of conversations with my mother about spirituality and the truth and beauty of life. books about the laws of the universe started grabbing my attention and appealing to me until i have read so much that i’ve understood the intense but underestimated power of our tiny little thoughts that are not the least bit tiny nor little. i can’t begin to explain the exhilarating amount of knowledge my mother and these books have enlightened me with. and although, at the beginning, i wasn’t exactly fond of making change and creating a better — perhaps more livable — life for myself. i was so stuck in the vicious spiraling cycle of grief and guilt and nostalgia that i could not see what was going on around me clearly. i could not even think rationally. all my thoughts were fueled by fear, insecurity and my extreme attachment to pain. and all those thoughts ever resulted in was self-hatred and, eventually, addicting self-destruction.
but after turning page after page, jumping from one cover to the next, i had summoned a burning desire for a life that was no less than an absolutely-effortlessly-automatically-naturally wonderful physical existence. all the sadness vanished away; it faded out of existence for me. don’t get me wrong though—yes, books have helped immensely with that, but the work i did within is the major cause for this incredible change. the effort i put to let go of my fears; to associate change with adventure and excitement; to undermine my limiting dysfunctional beliefs and fill my mind with thoughts and beliefs that served the life i truly want to live. i decided to better my life. i decided to look at myself and my life the way i wanted it to look like and be. i have learned that make-believing is powerful so i made the intention and decision to start looking at my life like a game. i turned it into a pleasant game of make-believe; fake it till you make it kinda thing. and guess what, i pretended to be who i wanted to be and pretended to live the awesome life i wanted to live until i’ve become exactly that. it all manifested in front of me! and that’s the power of thought. that’s exactly what they preach about in books. i took the knowledge in the countless pages i read and tested them to create my now reality that i’m blissfully living.
so think of yourself as whatever you want to be — a badass lawyer, a hot mother, a successful businessperson, the most efficient surgeon in the country, a sexy model, a lean and healthy person, a well-known artist. literally whatever your heart desires. and surely, whatever you saw and felt as you went moment after moment, day after day, acting as if you already are who you want to be and already have what you want to have, you will effectively and effortlessly attract it into your experience and find yourself actually living it in real life.
there’s this one quote from a well-known philosopher and author that stuck with me and motivated me throughout my self-discovery,
‘if you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.‘ – Bob Proctor
if there’s one thing i want you to get out of this 900 word essay, it’s this:
if it’s possible for me, it’s absolutely possible for you. all you have to do is believe and know that you can and deserve to be, do, and have whatever it is you desire.