i could not imagine myself being alive till this point. but i am. and i’m glad. i’m scared to say it but i’m glad that i lived. because back when the pain was too new—too fresh, i could not see anything but the shock of the throbbing pain that dug into my being and everything around me. i felt angry at you so many times. i even felt so much rage towards God for taking you away so soon. and it only made me feel worse. it only planted more guilt into my weary heart. but now. now i see more. i feel more. the pain is still present within me and i don’t think it will ever leave. but that’s good. i want it to stay. because it’s not the pain that’s hurting. it’s the love. and i think i’ve come to a point where i love you in a better way. i love you in a way that brings more love and more forgiveness into my heart. i love you in a way that makes the ache of yearning for you hurt a little less. i love you in a way that allows me to breathe rather than suffocate me. i love you in a way that makes you smile when you look down at me, my beloved sister. and this love is the greatest emotion i’ve ever felt in my life and it has come to be my favorite to dwell on.