Is this Grief, Depression, or a Phase of Pure Misery and Desperation?

image.gifSomethings just can never be forgotten or distracted. No matter how much you try to think of other things. No matter how loud your music is and how crazily you’re dancing.. It just never subsides. It keeps on aching and feels like stabbing. It keeps coming at you in the most inappropriate of times. It brings you guilt and regret when you haven’t done anything to regret or feel guilty about. It’s like a truck loaded with the most consuming, crippling, feels-like-never-ending thoughts and feelings drowning you when you should be having a great time with the people you love. It stealthily steals you away from everything you ever loved and enjoyed doing; isolates you from the people you love most and once cared about more than anything. It keeps on coming, never stopping. Like a haunting sempiternal vicious cycle. All you wanna do is lay in bed, in the dark, and not do anything.image.gif
Sometimes all you wanna do is cry till you’re too exhausted to even move. Sometimes the pain is too much you get too numb you can’t even cry anymore. Sometimes you’re hurting so bad, so, so bad all you wanna do is let it out, but your eyes are not capable of crying anymore. It feels like you’re the only person in this huge world suffering this pain. Like you’re stuck in a deep dark hole all on your own where there is not a single opening bringing in some light or clean air. It feels too lonely. The waking up in the middle of the night with the scariest thoughts; The continuous urge to wreck and destroy things; The sudden desire to give all your belongings away, even the ones you once valued most; The constant overwhelming fear and guilt; The sadness; The wishing, praying, begging for death; The punching walls and screaming silently. Oh this never ending cycle..image.gif
Yet you have to fight. You’re forced to fight, you have no other choice. You ought to fight it every single minute of every single day. You ought to shove these thoughts away and take your blanket off and get out of bed every morning. You ought to put that smile on your face and not bring others down with you. You just have to try your best to abandon this delusional world inside of you and put all you’ve got in this world that’s in front of you and believe you’re doing what’s right. And it hard. It’s the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to do.

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