A Letter to My Older Sister

by Tomasz Mrozkiewicz | via DeviantArt.com

I’m sorry you had to see that
I’m sorry I chose to do it in the first place
I tried so hard to keep strong, to stop
I’ve always strived to set a good example
For you even though you’re the older sister
I know I don’t need to, but I just wanted to be
Your hope, your safe home, and our other siblings’ too.
I just lost control, slipped down the rabbit hole,
Manipulated myself into this endless nightmare,
And forced myself there until it became home to me,
Until it became my hope, my salvation,
My only relief, my respite from myself.
I swear to the Creator of this universe,
The Reliever, Alleviator of all pain and addiction,
I didn’t mean to be this way, I never meant
To get this far, this deep, this fast..
And I never ever in my whole existence
Meant for you to witness such a relentless
Sight; such a hopeless, terrifying world..
I know no sorries could ever erase that sight,
That memory,
And I feel so guilty,
Oh, so guilty, a different kind of guilt
I’ve never felt before,
And I’m afraid my only relief
Is to lock my bedroom door,
Turn off the lights,
Close my eyes, shut my brain, my conscience,
And do it once again..

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