Same Day Every Day

by Tomasz Mrozkiewicz | via

It’s the same everyday.
I wake,
Dread the air in my lungs,
The pumping in my heart.
Remember the number of days it’s been,
The depth of pain that lives inside.
I slip into my slippers,
Walk to the toilet,
Wash off the tiring sleep,
Dreamless, Dreamful—
Never really knowing.
I move on with the day,
Distract myself,
Suppress the memories,
Delay the grief,
Laugh at jokes my brother makes,
Be nice to my little cousin, correct her
Sentences she thought down herself.
All the while blocking
This wave that’s bounding to crash
In me, over me.
I breathe, I count, I chant.
I close the door,
Sink down the wall,
Shut my eyes,
Force it out of me.
I can’t feel, not now.
Can’t hurt, can’t cry.
I punch, I scar, I bruise it all away.
It’s gone but it’s not really gone.
Never really gone.
I will forever live this way,
Hurt this way,
All alone.
It’s nighttime again,
I contemplate doing it tonight,
Leaving for good at last.
Push it away,
I curl back to bed.
Can’t cause any more pain to them,
Already enough of a burden I am.
These moments before I drift off,
I am me—really me.
I am a hurricane of thoughts,
Emotions, tears—
Lack of them.
I close my drowsy eyes
And carry on to space,
My dreamy place.
I go down memory lane,
I dream, I imagine, I live.
Free, limitless, as me.
I create my own present,
Alter all bad memories,
Reverse all negative feelings,
Replenish my innocence,
My trust, my unconditional love,
My hope; I am a child.
Reckless, careless, joyful,
Never known pain,
Never heard of it,
Never seen it or even smelled it.
And it’s a long long sleep.
But, before I get enough dreaming,
I’m cut undone, not at all full yet,
Nowhere near alive, ready to live.
As once again rises the sun
And it repeats all over again..

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