I love you so much Mom. All i need right now is to run to you and hold you so tight and just cry in your arms and let you make me feel safe. Im so sorry. Im so sorry for being this way. Im so sorry for being this weak. Im so sorry for being distant and pushing you away. Im sorry I’m not letting you in. Im so goddamn sorry you have to watch me in pain from afar and not be able to do anything about it when we both know you have the help I need. Im so goddamn sorry I’m not allowing you to hold me like a daughter; let you in on my pain. Im so sorry I refuse to show any emotion or vulnerability. Im sorry i keep secrets from you and lie to you. You can’t imagine the amount of guilt and regret i carry for what I’ve done and am still doing to you and myself. You love me so much and you need and want me around so much and I’m fucking aware of that, yet I still can’t get myself to accept and let go of the pain and the past to be around you now in the present. You’ve accepted our fate and are coping very well with it and i feel like I’m dragging you back into the start; the endless suffocating hole of sorrow, fear and crippling regret. Im just so sorry the word is starting to make less and less sense to me.. I don’t know what to do. I never meant to hurt you. Im only trying to keep breathing despite the filthy water in my lungs..